I get too attached to guys that end up being bad for me. I always pick the "badass" type and I eventually suffer from it. Or I think that things are mutual and it really isn't. My hopes are too high sometimes and then they come crashing down. Sometimes I think it's better to think of the worse because if it does crash and burn...at least my hopes are not crushed and the pain won't hurt as much.
I've only truly fallen for a guy once. We lasted for about 6 months and then I had to let him go because I listened to my mom. I was forbidden to be with him. After that, I held on to the thought that we'll be together again. That lasted for 4-5 years until I realized he's moved on and I must do the same. I never looked at anyone else after him and that is why I have trouble with picking a good person for me. I always compared guys to him. Big mistake.
Another person...whom I confessed my feelings to...didn't feel the same way. We were and still are good friends but that feeling lasted for about 2.5 years. I left town and moved to Iowa....our distance is helping me move on slowly. We talk once in a while but I believe that same feeling is gone. It's a good thing though.
I now have that wall around my heart to protect it from harm again. I don't really know when will be the right time to take it down. I'm afraid. And right now, I'm more confused than ever. It wants to get out but I can't let it because it's for the best. I can't afford to have a piece of it chip away. It's been through a lot already.
I need to be sure that it will be safe but let's be real, there's really no way of knowing that. My heart and my mind are both speaking to me but I can't figure out which one to follow. Be safe and away from harm or risk it and possibly be happy? *sigh*
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