As much as I hate reading for my Approach to Literature class, I do learn to love some of the stories we analyze as a group in there. Today, we went over the "Mending Wall" by Robert Frost and it is by far my favorite for the semester.

Mending Wall by Robert Frost

The poem is basically about two neighbors who repair a wall that separates their properties. It has physical implications of separation to avoid any troubles with the neighbor. Neighbors might be afraid of plants and pets getting into the neighbors yard So in order to fix this mishap, they set a wall to protect what’s important to them.

As the poem continues in a literal sense, it also holds some emotional significance. The wall is in fact a manifestation of the emotional barricade that separates the neighbors - a representation of how societal groups are unwilling and incapable of living without the constraints of boundaries and walls. When an individual is wounded, the most common action that is almost natural instinct is to put up a barrier to keep the same hurtful event from happening again.

What if instead of mending that wall, Frost is saying, “In order to mend a wall, one must crumble it to pieces.”? Frost is asking us what we’re so afraid of and why do we really put that wall there? It is only a constraint of what we are comfortable with and while it soars high, we (and the people around us) are unable to experience the true layer of our existence.

So with that in mind, I mended that wall between myself and the guy I like . It wasn’t doing me any good if I were just to ignore him. I may be avoiding my problem but it sure wasn’t fixing anything. After talking to a friend back home, I realized that I might as well take initiative because if I don’t, nothing will happen. I talked to him and cleared some things up.

We’re friends now. He says I’m cool and everything but he believes that it’s better if we hang out as friends for now. I gave it a lot of thought this week and I can’t really blame the guy because we barely know each other. I am totally fine going down the friendship path at this point because who knows...maybe it will work.

I put my trust in God. I figured He wouldn’t have wanted me to keep moving on with this form of hate in my heart but to learn how to accept the situation. If He thinks we can work out as more than friends in the end then I will be willing to wait. If He gives me a sign that we are just not meant to be, I will have to accept it because He knows what’s good for me. He will let me know when the time is right and if that person is right for me.

But for now:

Carpe Diem!

^_^

My luck sucks

I broke my streak of not having a sip of alcohol on Friday night. I went for a little over two months without drinking anything. I can't say that I'm proud of it but I just wanted to go out after having a rough week. I know now that I won't be doing that again for quite some time...hopefully.

I had an awesome time though. It gave me the chance to chill with my friends. They even convinced the guy I like to come with us (I'm not even going to hide the fact that I like him because I'm stupid and confessed to him when I was intoxicated). I'm not going to lie...I had such a blast that night. We went bar hopping until we could find a decent dance floor and then all hell broke loose! lol. We took over that dance floor like you couldn't believe.

I absolutely loved dancing with him. You don't find guys that you can enjoy a night with like that. Some other guy he had a dance battle with saw me "krumpin"' and asked me to do it again. I seriously had no idea I was doing it...I was goofing off lol. But I absolutely love dancing! It's another world of its own and no one will understand how amazing it is in my eyes unless they step in my shoes. It's my chance to let loose and just be myself. It's pure bliss. I guess in a way...I like him because of it...I think he might understand what I mean. I have other reasons why I like him but I have yet have to find out what.

I'm pretty sure I had a lot to drink that night. I can't even remember how many I had. I do remember that it didn't end well for me. Don't get me wrong...it was an amazing night!!! But the guy I liked ended up liking one of my friends and texts me about it at the end of the night. (I figured out all of this the following morning btw). I responded that my friend was taken by one of my good friends and that she wouldn't go for him since she knew I liked him. I sounded so much like a biatch. The morning after, he told me that he was just kidding and if I was cool?

I haven't responded yet because I'm not cool with it...and in every "just kidding" there's always a hint of truth. I don't want to tell him that I'm not cool with it because I'm going to sound more of a b****! So now I have no idea what I should do. I'm not going to take initiative because I already did that by confessing to him. And I didn't even get an actual response about it....so I'm confused as to what I should do. I am currently ignoring him not because I am mad at him or my friend, I'm ignoring him because I'm trying to save both of us the awkwardness...and I don't know where to go from there. =(

Yes, this is my problem: I get too attached even though I know I shouldn't. Ok I'm going to stop before I start to over-analyze what I've already have....

I just have the worse luck in the world. FML!

mix of everything

“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”

I guess the saying "all good things also comes with the bad" is true for most parts of our lives.

I found out last week that my aunt elsie, eldest in my mom's side of the family, is not doing too well. She had a stroke not too long ago and it gave her long lasting side effects. My mom called me and said that she's not as strong as she was before. My cousin, who is taking care of my aunt right now, figured that my aunt is having too much trouble getting food down her throat. He asked her doctor to finally to attach her to a nasogastric tube to help her get the nourishment she needs.

For those of you that don't know how that works....they insert a tube up her nose which goes down her throat and eventually reaches her stomach. Everything she eats is liquified so it is easier to get in the tube. Not very appealing to me but it works and it's helping her. She's only 60 something and that really scares me....I don't even know what to say.

This weekend was a blast though. It helped ease the worry off my shoulders. Somewhat.

I hung out with the gang even if it was for such a short time. I went to Kari's housewarming get together. I now have a place to crash if I ever need to. Yay! Saturday through Sunday was family time! Traveled to Naperville with the fambam and krisha. Stayed at Ninang Tess's humble abode then watched Mykey in CATS. It was a fabulous production! Afterwards, we celebrated at TGIFridays and had a massive dinner! We didn't get back to the house until 130-2am i believe! We ended the night with The Superhero Movie.

Looong sleepless nights are not fun but entertaining breakfasts are! Left Naperville and went straight home. Before I watched my dad's team dominate in basketball, I packed all my things and said my goodbye to my mommy. It was a remarkable weekend!

Now I'm back at school. I have pancit and and Filipino snacks in my fridge! Life is good right? Wrong! I talked to my Aunt ELSA, from my dad's side, online and she mentioned to me that my fraternal grandmother is not doing well either. She can no longer walk and is incapable of going to the bathroom anymore. Of course, I had to all home and break the bad news to my dad. I having to do that! I'm just praying that she'll be fine long enough for me to see her again. And my aunt elsie as well.

My week has only begun and it's already a handful to handle. Oh the rewards and struggles of life....sigh. Just have to keep praying and smilin' I guess. May the Lord help me please!

A modest proposal

Dear heart,

Can you do me a favor and suppress your nonsense? I know you're smart but there's no reason to make the rest of my body feel smaller than it already is. I feel that right now when I listen to you, I make a complete fool of myself. I don't function well when you start taking over me.

Yes, I know that I am attracted to him even though I barely know him. I blame that on you! It sucks to be so attached. Shouldn't have invited me to shop or shouldn't have danced with me! Total weaknesses, damnitt! *sigh*

I will try to be a smart person and listen to my friends' advice. I am thinking about it too much and I am being forward so that will need to change. I wouldn't be fair to myself or the other person if I get into anything right now since I won't ever have time for a relationship. Unfortunately, school is my committed relationship right now.

And even if it does work out, it probably won't last too long. Clarke is my life for the next two and a half years...I'm just asking for a broken heart waiting to happen right now. I can't afford to have that happen again. I don't want to add that in my "heartache list."

Blah! Here I am, thinking too much once again! So I'm just going to stop right now....

So, I would appreciate it if you stayed put behind those walls until I tell you otherwise. As of now, all I can really do is be patient and fight the urge to listen to you. Maybe I can start by deleting the urge from my phone. Hopefully, it will motivate me to stop thinking about it.

Now that I've explained myself to you, I hope you understand my situation at the moment. Thank you, my dearest heart!

Love Always,
Me

Infamous wall

What should I listen to? My heart or my head? Because right now I'm listening to both and it's causing me confusion. I don't know what to do.

I get too attached to guys that end up being bad for me. I always pick the "badass" type and I eventually suffer from it. Or I think that things are mutual and it really isn't. My hopes are too high sometimes and then they come crashing down. Sometimes I think it's better to think of the worse because if it does crash and burn...at least my hopes are not crushed and the pain won't hurt as much.

I've only truly fallen for a guy once. We lasted for about 6 months and then I had to let him go because I listened to my mom. I was forbidden to be with him. After that, I held on to the thought that we'll be together again. That lasted for 4-5 years until I realized he's moved on and I must do the same. I never looked at anyone else after him and that is why I have trouble with picking a good person for me. I always compared guys to him. Big mistake.

Another person...whom I confessed my feelings to...didn't feel the same way. We were and still are good friends but that feeling lasted for about 2.5 years. I left town and moved to Iowa....our distance is helping me move on slowly. We talk once in a while but I believe that same feeling is gone. It's a good thing though.

I now have that wall around my heart to protect it from harm again. I don't really know when will be the right time to take it down. I'm afraid. And right now, I'm more confused than ever. It wants to get out but I can't let it because it's for the best. I can't afford to have a piece of it chip away. It's been through a lot already.

I need to be sure that it will be safe but let's be real, there's really no way of knowing that. My heart and my mind are both speaking to me but I can't figure out which one to follow. Be safe and away from harm or risk it and possibly be happy? *sigh*

Insomnia? I think not...

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." -Martin Luther King Jr.

Something has been bothering me ever since I got back from the three day weekend. I went home, of course. I absolutely had a blast back home. My mom even said "That's what you get for taking advantage of your long weekend and didn't do any school related things," when I called her Monday night and saying I was going to pull an all-nighter. Gotta love my mommy! =)

It was my dad's basketball game. Yes, I tell people that I didn't leave because he was hot-headed after losing the game but...it's something more personal to me. No one will understand the situation until I tell them about the hardships we went through as a family. My writing practicum teacher said that a story doesn't become interesting to read until it gets personal on some level. So here goes:

My dad was the healthiest guy I knew while I was growing up. When my mom was in labor with me, my dad was just finishing off his basketball game in Taif, Saudi Arabia. Yes, he played for the professional team over there. He had perfect teeth and never had a cavity in his life! He was also the best tennis player to me! I remember him being so happy when my brother and I were able to play with him. It was bliss!

Summer of 2006, my dad was diagnosed with Nonarteritic Anterior Ischemic Optic Neuropathy (NAION). What in the world is that, right? In non-medical terms, it is a stroke of the nerve in my dad's right eye. The most common effect of it is vision loss. It can happen anytime even from just waking up one morning. My dad opened his eyes one day and saw a shadow obscuring majority of his right eye sight. It's mind-boggling because he did not feel any pain. He was just....half blind! Six months later, his left eye does the same exact thing. There still is no clinically effective treatment that exists. Only trials of injections into the eye that's being done all over the country. We went to several medical appointments and only came home with disappointments.

It hurt me to see him whenever I came home from work because he'd be by himself in the living room; depressed. He was never like that...EVER! I took on his "role" in the family and took care of the errands he usually does. When everyone said that graduating high school was the beginning of adulthood, this wasn't what I expected at all.

We weren't the praying-together type of family ever since I left a Catholic school in 5th grade, but our church community suggested it back into our lives. We prayed as a family every morning and every night for the next year and a half. It was a hard way to start college, especially when my grandmother died four months after my dad's diagnosis.

After a year and a half, our prayers have been answered. No, my dad didn't get his sight back. He only retained 80% of the vision he had lost. Still better than nothing, right? No, I don't expect pity or anything. I grew as a person through this experience so thanks...but no thanks. He can no longer play tennis like he used to but he's better now, and is the captain of his basketball team. But going back and remembering all that my family and I have gone through during this...well, still chokes me up sometimes. Especially when people make remarks or joke around with my dad's condition.

So this leads me back to my dad's basketball game last Sunday afternoon. For some reason, I sat on the opposite side where the score table and players positioned themselves. My dad's team has been the "top dog" of the league and it seems like that the other teams are heated by this. Jealousy, pride, huge ego, testosterone, and whatever you can think of floods what once use to be the reason for Filipinos to get together. The game turned into something personal. Favoritism of some sort! Ugh!

Anyway, as my dad subbed in for another player in his team. I heard everyone making fun of how "veteran" he was. Mocking him! I tried to let it go because they are guys and they do that all the time. But this Mike guy, from the black team, at the score table says, "He can't see the players because he has no contacts on!" Everything inside me blew up! I clenched my fist. Heat took over my body. And I stared him down like the devil. We made eye contact while he was laughing his a$$ off and all of a sudden...he was silent once he realized who I was. I wanted so bad to get up and cuss him off! >=[

My dad's team, green, lost the game within the last few seconds and there was a controversy of some sort. My dad blew it as the other team celebrated their win. It was ridiculous! They treated my dad like one of them! I got to the point where I had to step in between them and pull my dad away. It's natural....taking care of him when I can, and if someone does any harm to him, I'm sure I will take a punch to their nose.

It was hard to go back to school because that meant I had to leave him...in that pool of testosterone and pride. I stayed until things cooled off but I HAD to go. It's been bothering me ever since! He has another game this weekend and it's against the black team! AHHH!

I have all this hatred in my heart. I can't sit still whenever I think about it. I just want to be at ease and forgive these people for their ignorance, but I either don't WANT to or don't know HOW to.

*SIGH*

Well this entry is long enough...so I'll end it here.

What are YOU waiting for?

ANTIOCH- currently my favorite part of the semester!

I had my doubts of going to this retreat. I was 50/50 on my decision because I had so much stuff to do for school and at the same time...I was longing for something else. I didn't know what that was until I got there and shared my stories with my group. Some say that it's easier to share your feelings and stories with a stranger rather than someone you know because that fear of judgement won't be there. 'Tis is true!

I opened up to my group, the "Tick Tock Antiochers." They might not remember half of what I said but at least I know that I can share that kind of information to people now. You can say that the Antioch retreat popped that protective bubble around me and made it more comfortable for me to be....ME!

I absolutely loved the people I met there. And the people I already knew, I'm glad to be closer to them at a different level in my life. Who knew that I would enjoy myself without all the daily things I use in my life? I had no cellphone to text anyone, no laptop or ipod to use on my spare time, and no knowledge of the current time. I was in God's time and I loved every part of it! It not only opened my eyes about the "ways" in my life but it strengthened my faith in so many levels. It was such a great tool for my current transition in life....sigh.

I was also thinking about being a team member for Antioch Spring '10 while I was there but I was unsure about the decision. It wasn't until I got back to school and a certain message that was sent to me that made me realize I really want to be a part of it. It was a simple message thanking me for being MYSELF during the weekend! How often do you get that from someone you JUST met?!

But that's not it! I apparently motivated this person to be less shy and have no shame in being yourself. I mean that is HUGE!!! It makes a person think for a second...about the things in your life and how you can help people by just being...YOU! My views on things have slightly changed and I do not regret going to this retreat at all. It might take a while to adapt but I know who to go to for help. He's just right around the corner! ^_^

I want to write more about the happenings in my life but that will have to wait because I have to go to "Spoon River Anthology" right now!

Meryll ^_^ V

Baby steps

Today was somewhat of a good day! I saw a sign of improvement with a change I made school-wise! I studied my butt off this week and it paid off.

I wish my exams next week are like that because i really need the grade.....but I have to go to my Antioch retreat tomorrow til Sunday night. I'm going to pray that I am not too tired on Sunday to study for all the exams....either that or I will not be sleeping for a couple of days. God help me, please! *sigh*

My meeting with my professor was scary to think about but it went better than I expected. She helped me with studying strategies and whatnot. So I have to follow those and promise her a better turn out on exams. I mentioned to her that I was having a hard time getting used to this culture shock and she assured me it will be better. She said the first semester is always the hardest for transfer students and that everyone at Clarke will help me get through it. I love that! I kinda feel confident now....baby steps...little baby steps.

I'm glad I chose (hmm is that spelled right? lol) to stay in and watch 17 Again tonight with Erin. Thank you!!! So proud of her...she stayed up waaaay past her bedtime just to chill with me. I wish Gina was here though. I will be spending the whole weekend with her though (YAY!) but will miss Erin dearly (BOO!). It will pass by quickly! I just know it!!!

I know I have mixed feelings about Antioch. I mean I'm complaining that I have so much stuff to do but at the same time I can't wait! I guess you can say that I've experienced something like this before and I'm desperately wanting that 'feeling' back. I hope it'll be a good experience. I love people and I can't wait to meet new ones tomorrow! Yay! Speaking of that...I guess I should head out now.

I will not have any connection to the outside world from 830 am tomorrow until 8 pm Sunday night! Meaning no: cellphones, laptops, ipods, watches, and so on! So leave me plenty of messages, texts, and whatnot please!!! I'll miss you guys!!!

Good night & God bless!

Meryll ^_^

Army Health Care

When I want to get mail, I never get them. When I check my mailbox at random moments, I get mail. WHy is that? lol.

Anyway, I received one today from the Army Health Care Recruitment Team. And with the way things are working out for me school wise right now, I can't help but think of joining. I feel as if it's my last resort kind of thing. I mean there's no basic training other than OB/GYN, Psych, and so on. Right now, like this very minute, it sounds good in my head, but I know that it won't later on. What do you think? Quit this and join the Army? Or just finish what I've already started... =(

You wanna know why I think it's not a good thing? Because I will be telling myself that I started going to this school and I'm all of a sudden not finishing it. It's similar to quitting in my book, don't you think? I am so unsure with my life at this point and it upsets me to the point where I'm so lost. Sigh. I'm meeting with one of my professors on Friday and then I will be meeting with my advisor soon enough. I hope they can help me with what I'm going through right now.

To be honest, I am a complete wreck right now. The little things that make me happy...well I don't even know anymore. I won the women tennis intramural and received a free t-shirt for it plus my picture online yet I'm not satisfied with my achievement. If only I can do better with other things in my life.

I know He's got a plan for me up there. I need patience and wait for it but it's just killing me. I've never been so confused....kind of. I hope I figure it out sooner than later. I think it's time to visit the chapel and have a chat.

Ok it's time for dinner then non-stop studying til Friday!

Meryll ^_^

Noob with Blogger!

So I just found out about this site even though I've had a google account for the longest time. I've decided to give it a try....

UPDATE:

I came back from the homecoming dance and I saw my goldfish, Josep McFly, floating in his bowl! It was a sad experience. I had to flush him down the toilet. Now I look at my bowl without even knowing as if I was checking on him....but he's not there anymore. How sad!

My sister texted me today and said her goldfish died when she got back from school. Hers lasted longer than mine. She won hers at On The Waterfront a MONTH ago! Also...some of the girls on the floor also had dead goldlfishies! What is going on?!?

I do plan on getting a new fish after this week when my life isn't as hectic anymore. I'm basically trying to get things done within this week so I don't have to worry about anything this weekend because of the ANTIOCH retreat! I'm excited for this retreat but worried about all the exams I have the following week.

This Friday-Quiz in A&P

Monday-exam 3 in Pharmacology

Tuesday-muscle lab exam in A&P1

Friday-Another quiz in A&P

May God help me through these ALIVE and with good grades!

Another long day tomorrow but it's a Wednesday so it's an even trade I guess.

11-1150:A&P

12-1230:Lunch

1-215:Pharmacology

3-415:Literature

530-6:Dinner

6-8:A&P Lab

Then Homework & Studying! WAaah!

Again, may God me through it!

On a different note, something about my short conversation with Gina got me thinking and reminded me of this note my cousin emailed to me during the summer. I believe that it's a powerful message.

"In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act – the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: either you are in one now, or you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in God's likeness.

Life can be hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. Rather than life being hills and valleys, it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness. But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? God didn't put us on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what we are than what we do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings".

Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, THANK GOD."

It just gets you thinking sometimes, you know? When I read this, I feel a little weight off my shoulders and it makes me want to be different in some way. It's a nice feeling actually. Kind of like what the last mass I went to this weekend. I really like Loras mass. Not that there's anything wrong with the one here at Clarke, of course. Loras masses reminds me of my parish back home plus the 8 p.m. mass is a more convenient time.

Haha my mom just called and was worried why I haven't called home the past two days. My bad, mama! I've been pretty occupied I guess. Ok I think it's time for bed though....

It is time for change in my routine this semester. I'm slowly making them and pray that they go accordingly. Please pray for me as well!

Goodnight everyone! ^_^

HAPPY HOMECOMING!!!

***Transferred from Tumblr.com on September 27, 2009 @ 3:23pm***

It's been a very interesting week...I stopped blogging for a coupe of days so I can study...but it was all for nothing. *Sigh*

Anyway, here was the rest of the week:

Thurday- study day for the most part. I tried to get as much reading in as possible before the long awaited episode of Grey's Anatomy!!! Didn't work out lol. Watched it in my room with Gina, Erin, and Kayla. George O'Malley is gone!!!! Waaahhhh!!! It was a pretty intense time with Gina hahaha! Our floor probably thinks we're freaks lol.

Friday- A&P exam...blah! =(. Went to the mall to buy some last minute accessories for the homecoming dance. Didn't really wanna pay that much so I bought some cheap jewelry hehehe.

I went back to campus and ran about a mile on the school track course. I needed to get some stress and frustration out so it was a nice activity for me. Afterwards, I asked a bunch of girls on my floor, including Erin and Kayla, which dress I should wear. Majority of them picked the same one...which you'll see soon! Must I say, Erin is a funny gal! "I didn't know you lived by...." Lmao!

And for the main event of the night, 'The Proposal' movie in our gym! Love the movie! Love the people I watched it with! Majority of our school was there! Free popcorn & drink! Fun fun fun!

To finish the night, went to Julian's (sp?) with Gina so she can meet up with her Loras alumni friends! I left pretty early and chilled in the Mary Ben lounge with Zach and Pam along with random people walking by. As I've mentioned to Gina, some people are just inconsiderate of their actions and words....which makes us glad we have our little Erin hahah.

Saturday-HOMECOMING DAY!!!

Pretty much slept in til 11:30am then went to the Tent Party around 1pm! Soccer boys and gals won! Woot woot! CREATE table was a blast! Free ice cream! Cookie Dough all the way!!! Was scheduled to tour alumni around Mary Ben but no one showed up...disappointed! I returned to the tent party and had MORE ice cream heheh. Then got on the tall inflatables with Tina! Only to end up having skinned elbows! OUCH! Burned like a "mofo!" Watched the rest of the boys' soccer game then took a nap!

Dinner @ Olive Garden! We had an amazing waitress! And yummy food! I'm so glad I came hungry or else all that food would've gone to waste! Man I have pictures of our awesome group!

Then DANCE!!!! It was a great outcome! I have been in the dancing mood for the longest time& you better believe it when I say "I went all OUT!" I loved the whole dance! And crazy people on the dance floor! I LOOOVE IT!

Now I'm in my room ready for bed! I will be sleeping in til 11ish then getting me some brunch! This day will be dedicated to homework, talk time with Erin & Gina, and a tennis match with Jess S.!

Sorry for the informal writing tonight guys! I am just exhausted and I had A LOT to say! If you read the whole thing, I appreciate it! Thanks a bunches of oats! =)

Lastly, HAPPY HOMECOMING EVERYONE!

venting days

***Transferred from Tumblr.com on September 23, 2009 @ 10:31pm***

Today was completely exhausting! Not even physically but mentally and emotionally! Everything was just drained out of me...

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I am the definition of a bad student and procrastination. And I wonder to myself why I do so bad in classes...meryll, please! Then I eventually realize why I do bad and yet I don't do anything about it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really following the right path. It seems like I'm not happy to be where I am right now. You'd think that after screwing up enough in the past years that I'd learn my lesson. I feel like I'm going in circles and I don't know how to get out of it!

I'm 22 years old and I feel like I don't really know where my life is going! I just want to be done and over with. I wish I can finish everything I start without having to complain how life sucks! Because I know if I look close enough, I'm actually fortunate to be in this life than other people in this world. So I really just need a slap in the face to wake me up and realize that I need to change.

I called my mom not long ago and told her how much I was struggling with school. Of course, she gave me words of advice and some support...which is exactly what I needed. Oh geez, I do miss being close to home when I need it. I know that being here is good for me though because I can't always be dependent on others right? Just on my "off" days like today. Days like today where I question what I really want in this world and if I am capable of actually achieving the goals I set for myself. Days where all I want to do is quit and then beat myself up for doing just that!

Sigh, I'm glad I called home. I feel a little better. I'm feeling better that I also vented on here. Time to turn a new leaf and get my act together. I'm going to make it through this semester and then the next and so on! May God help me!

YATTA!

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I've finally uploaded pictures from my camera to my mac! Thank you Angel & Gina! Now majority of them are on facebook! Oh happy day! I have room in my camera to take pictures with! I can't wait to go crazy with it! Yippie!

Today was definitely a Monday. I was sooo out of it and pretty much tired!

I think perspectives can be an online class for BOTH days! I feel like I sit there doing nothing! Hopefully it gets better as we go on. *sigh* A&P=overwhelming BUT I will get through it! As Gina said, "you must plant your seeds first, then water them in order to start your farm." Or something like that! Such wise words! Pharm is basically the same as A&P. xP Lit. is an ok class..I'm getting most of the works so I'm not complaining much.

Highlight of my day would be Self-defense class! Learned small & slow moves today and it amazes me how easy this will be once I'm done with the semester. I learned how to take an attacker if he ever grabs me by the collar or from behind! There was one move where we have to elbow the "paddings" that Pete was holding and it felt good to actually go at it! During one of my turns, I just wailed at that thing and I was actually hitting it pretty awesome-ly lol. I even received a round of applause from everyone since I did well! Yes, I do feel special! Can't wait for Wednesday's lesson! Whoo!

Austin Kyle's concert was today but I only made it to the last 10 minutes. Poop! Now it's time to read for class and think of a topic to write about for writing practicum! Greeeeat.....

Goodnight everyone!

home sweet home

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I've gone two weeks without going home...until yesterday hahah. I would've gone longer but I really needed a dress for homecoming this Saturday and this weekend was the only time I could go home.

I picked up my brother, Myke, from North Central College (NCC) as well. Man that is a tiring trip! It's 3.5 hours from Clarke to NCC and another 1.5 hours from NCC to Rockford! So basically, I drove 5 hours yesterday AND today! It was all worth it though.

Little brother, and I caught up with happenings in our college life. Mostly good things, of course. First thing we did when we got to town was stop by my mother dearest's work place and greet her hello. My mommy got a haircut and she looks so cute! Angela Poggioli never fails! =)

I had to stop by Cherryvalle mall to look for accessories but failed lol. Myke bought Q's gift then rushed over to his 9th birthday party! These kids are growing up too fast man! I'm getting older and older! AHH! I caught up with Mae Mae and Cindy! It's like I saw them just yesterday! I love it! Definitely going to call Cindy more often to check on her and her new toyS and gadgets lol.

Stopped by the Jalla house for Carlo's 21st then went home to do some laundry. I fell asleep while doing it so my Pops finished it off for me! Thank you much! Sigh. I was home for such a short time =( Next time I'll be home will probably be 2nd or 3rd week of October.

I dropped off Myke at NCC, had Chipotle for lunch, and ate it in his dorm. I like the look of my dorm better heheh. The brick walls over there make me feel claustrophobic! The drive to Clarke was a biznitch! It was raining cats and dogs! But I managed to keep my speed and pass a crap load of vehicles. I must say that my driving abilities have sky rocketed =D.

On a good note, I'm back at Clarke! Reunited with Gina and Erin once again! LOL! This weekend made me realize some of the reasons why I'm here to meet new people...I only miss certain parts of Rockford. Only a selected few people and my family! So glad to be back here.....& I really am getting used to "fun sized" as my nickname lol. Can't wait to have a blast this week because...

It's Homecoming week!!!

Tonight (sunday) was the Mr. Clarke pageant and it was pretty interesting i must say. I hope the rest of the week turns out pretty awesome! I'll keep you guys updated soon enough!

[WARNING: LONG ENTRY!] "Julie & Julia"...

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...has motivated me to finally write in my blog. I've been eager to write about my new adventure for the longest time but haven't had the right motivation to do so. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, my new adventure is....CLARKE!

Eight months ago, my plans were to take a semester off and get a job so I can save money for....who knows what! Mother dearest of mine was not fond of that idea. I literally applied for Clarke out of the blue. My hopes weren't very high and I was ready to get rejected...again. It seemed to be the trend the past year or so. But this summer changed my plans completely! I was accepted into the school and eventually into the nursing program! Prayers do get answered!

It was quite an overwhelming last couple weeks of the summer. From getting ready to "move on' and spending a "crap load" of money! Good thing I worked my butt off this summer. Sadly, most of it is gone already. Oh how life works.

The beginning of CONNECT (a welcome weekend event) was a scary experience. It was a sign of starting over. I'm not really good at that whole ordeal. I like being in my comfort zone...is that what they call it? I don't even know!

Anyway, we pulled into Clarke Drive and you can see people in bright green t-shirts, TUCKPOINTERS, helping new students get settled and a bunch of people moving in! I got situated in my room and spent some time with the FAMBAM! They didn't stay long though since it was raining and my dad can't handle driving in that, especially when it gets pretty dark. Honestly, I didn't want them to leave. If I could've, I'd keep them in my closet and take them out whenever I needed them. Hahah yes, I know. Impossible. My family does not like to show each other how much we want to cry but it was pretty obvious. I cried on my way to our next meeting of the day. It was so horrible! But I made it right?

I've been at Clarke for almost a month now and I'm still in the transition phase. Classes are going alright....for the most part, at least. I feel at home when I walk into my room. The challenge I think was/is most difficult for me is meeting new people. People back home will think I am totally lying after reading that last sentence. That's just not me! I'm just used to knowing EVERYONE and I'm usually the type that will come up to a complete stranger and talk to them. I swear, it will be the death of me someday. Yet somehow it is so difficult for me to be "me" here. I get frightened easily. I don't know...I'll probably get there sooner or later.

I know I'm starting to love it here. Slowly but surely. My tuckpointers are always out and about greeting me when I pass by. I have Angel, who I have known since we were little, and her friends that I've hung out a couple times. And of course, the two people that have been keeping me sane, Erin and Gina! I love them to death! I don't know what'd I'd do without them! Erin's boyfriend, Cody, goes to the same school as my little brother, Mykey! Small world right? Gotta love it! Gina has introduced me to her Loras friends and I completely adore them! They remind me of my friends back home! I'm so glad I've met these wonderful people because it's making my journey a little smoother than I expected.

Let's see what the next couple of months have in stored for me. I will try to update as much as I can. I promise I will try to make the entries a bit shorter than this one. Apologies in advanced if I don't fulfill that promise though. =)

Stay tuned!

~Meryll~

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Great movie! Highly recommend it!

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“When great love is rejected, something in a man dies” -Win A Date With Tad Hamilton

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Collection of quotes

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“The thing about addiction is it never ends well because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. So they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? No matter how badly that thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.”

“The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to choose who is worth your pain.”

I love quotes from Grey’s Anatomy. It sometimes hits home.

“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, its usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by no matter how much we hurt each other. The people that are still with you at the end of the day are the ones worth keeping. And sure sometimes close can be too close but sometimes that invasion of personal space can be exactly what you need.”

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled; old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.”

*ding* lightbulb *ding

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I am Filipino! Enough said right? lol

I’ve decided that every time i get the chance to write in tumblr, i will talk a little about the “filipino-happenings” in my daily life.

Today my sister had her last beginner band concert at the Sinnissippi Park. Parents and guardians were surrounding the bandshell supporting their little elementary band members.

I’m just minding my own business. My mom was staring at all the little children running around, spots a cute little american boy, and whispers to me “I want grandchildren that cute.” WOW!

Filipino parents like to plan things for their children and their future. My mom specifically tells us how she wants grandchildren of “different colors” running around their yard in the Philippines.

Of course, I find it pretty funny and exciting because I want mixed children but ummm…I haven’t even planned that far in my life and my mom already knows what type of grandchildren she wants. Oh boy.

Anyone else get this?

M3r1zzL3