My luck sucks

I broke my streak of not having a sip of alcohol on Friday night. I went for a little over two months without drinking anything. I can't say that I'm proud of it but I just wanted to go out after having a rough week. I know now that I won't be doing that again for quite some time...hopefully.

I had an awesome time though. It gave me the chance to chill with my friends. They even convinced the guy I like to come with us (I'm not even going to hide the fact that I like him because I'm stupid and confessed to him when I was intoxicated). I'm not going to lie...I had such a blast that night. We went bar hopping until we could find a decent dance floor and then all hell broke loose! lol. We took over that dance floor like you couldn't believe.

I absolutely loved dancing with him. You don't find guys that you can enjoy a night with like that. Some other guy he had a dance battle with saw me "krumpin"' and asked me to do it again. I seriously had no idea I was doing it...I was goofing off lol. But I absolutely love dancing! It's another world of its own and no one will understand how amazing it is in my eyes unless they step in my shoes. It's my chance to let loose and just be myself. It's pure bliss. I guess in a way...I like him because of it...I think he might understand what I mean. I have other reasons why I like him but I have yet have to find out what.

I'm pretty sure I had a lot to drink that night. I can't even remember how many I had. I do remember that it didn't end well for me. Don't get me wrong...it was an amazing night!!! But the guy I liked ended up liking one of my friends and texts me about it at the end of the night. (I figured out all of this the following morning btw). I responded that my friend was taken by one of my good friends and that she wouldn't go for him since she knew I liked him. I sounded so much like a biatch. The morning after, he told me that he was just kidding and if I was cool?

I haven't responded yet because I'm not cool with it...and in every "just kidding" there's always a hint of truth. I don't want to tell him that I'm not cool with it because I'm going to sound more of a b****! So now I have no idea what I should do. I'm not going to take initiative because I already did that by confessing to him. And I didn't even get an actual response about it....so I'm confused as to what I should do. I am currently ignoring him not because I am mad at him or my friend, I'm ignoring him because I'm trying to save both of us the awkwardness...and I don't know where to go from there. =(

Yes, this is my problem: I get too attached even though I know I shouldn't. Ok I'm going to stop before I start to over-analyze what I've already have....

I just have the worse luck in the world. FML!

mix of everything

“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”

I guess the saying "all good things also comes with the bad" is true for most parts of our lives.

I found out last week that my aunt elsie, eldest in my mom's side of the family, is not doing too well. She had a stroke not too long ago and it gave her long lasting side effects. My mom called me and said that she's not as strong as she was before. My cousin, who is taking care of my aunt right now, figured that my aunt is having too much trouble getting food down her throat. He asked her doctor to finally to attach her to a nasogastric tube to help her get the nourishment she needs.

For those of you that don't know how that works....they insert a tube up her nose which goes down her throat and eventually reaches her stomach. Everything she eats is liquified so it is easier to get in the tube. Not very appealing to me but it works and it's helping her. She's only 60 something and that really scares me....I don't even know what to say.

This weekend was a blast though. It helped ease the worry off my shoulders. Somewhat.

I hung out with the gang even if it was for such a short time. I went to Kari's housewarming get together. I now have a place to crash if I ever need to. Yay! Saturday through Sunday was family time! Traveled to Naperville with the fambam and krisha. Stayed at Ninang Tess's humble abode then watched Mykey in CATS. It was a fabulous production! Afterwards, we celebrated at TGIFridays and had a massive dinner! We didn't get back to the house until 130-2am i believe! We ended the night with The Superhero Movie.

Looong sleepless nights are not fun but entertaining breakfasts are! Left Naperville and went straight home. Before I watched my dad's team dominate in basketball, I packed all my things and said my goodbye to my mommy. It was a remarkable weekend!

Now I'm back at school. I have pancit and and Filipino snacks in my fridge! Life is good right? Wrong! I talked to my Aunt ELSA, from my dad's side, online and she mentioned to me that my fraternal grandmother is not doing well either. She can no longer walk and is incapable of going to the bathroom anymore. Of course, I had to all home and break the bad news to my dad. I having to do that! I'm just praying that she'll be fine long enough for me to see her again. And my aunt elsie as well.

My week has only begun and it's already a handful to handle. Oh the rewards and struggles of life....sigh. Just have to keep praying and smilin' I guess. May the Lord help me please!

A modest proposal

Dear heart,

Can you do me a favor and suppress your nonsense? I know you're smart but there's no reason to make the rest of my body feel smaller than it already is. I feel that right now when I listen to you, I make a complete fool of myself. I don't function well when you start taking over me.

Yes, I know that I am attracted to him even though I barely know him. I blame that on you! It sucks to be so attached. Shouldn't have invited me to shop or shouldn't have danced with me! Total weaknesses, damnitt! *sigh*

I will try to be a smart person and listen to my friends' advice. I am thinking about it too much and I am being forward so that will need to change. I wouldn't be fair to myself or the other person if I get into anything right now since I won't ever have time for a relationship. Unfortunately, school is my committed relationship right now.

And even if it does work out, it probably won't last too long. Clarke is my life for the next two and a half years...I'm just asking for a broken heart waiting to happen right now. I can't afford to have that happen again. I don't want to add that in my "heartache list."

Blah! Here I am, thinking too much once again! So I'm just going to stop right now....

So, I would appreciate it if you stayed put behind those walls until I tell you otherwise. As of now, all I can really do is be patient and fight the urge to listen to you. Maybe I can start by deleting the urge from my phone. Hopefully, it will motivate me to stop thinking about it.

Now that I've explained myself to you, I hope you understand my situation at the moment. Thank you, my dearest heart!

Love Always,
Me

Infamous wall

What should I listen to? My heart or my head? Because right now I'm listening to both and it's causing me confusion. I don't know what to do.

I get too attached to guys that end up being bad for me. I always pick the "badass" type and I eventually suffer from it. Or I think that things are mutual and it really isn't. My hopes are too high sometimes and then they come crashing down. Sometimes I think it's better to think of the worse because if it does crash and burn...at least my hopes are not crushed and the pain won't hurt as much.

I've only truly fallen for a guy once. We lasted for about 6 months and then I had to let him go because I listened to my mom. I was forbidden to be with him. After that, I held on to the thought that we'll be together again. That lasted for 4-5 years until I realized he's moved on and I must do the same. I never looked at anyone else after him and that is why I have trouble with picking a good person for me. I always compared guys to him. Big mistake.

Another person...whom I confessed my feelings to...didn't feel the same way. We were and still are good friends but that feeling lasted for about 2.5 years. I left town and moved to Iowa....our distance is helping me move on slowly. We talk once in a while but I believe that same feeling is gone. It's a good thing though.

I now have that wall around my heart to protect it from harm again. I don't really know when will be the right time to take it down. I'm afraid. And right now, I'm more confused than ever. It wants to get out but I can't let it because it's for the best. I can't afford to have a piece of it chip away. It's been through a lot already.

I need to be sure that it will be safe but let's be real, there's really no way of knowing that. My heart and my mind are both speaking to me but I can't figure out which one to follow. Be safe and away from harm or risk it and possibly be happy? *sigh*

Insomnia? I think not...

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." -Martin Luther King Jr.

Something has been bothering me ever since I got back from the three day weekend. I went home, of course. I absolutely had a blast back home. My mom even said "That's what you get for taking advantage of your long weekend and didn't do any school related things," when I called her Monday night and saying I was going to pull an all-nighter. Gotta love my mommy! =)

It was my dad's basketball game. Yes, I tell people that I didn't leave because he was hot-headed after losing the game but...it's something more personal to me. No one will understand the situation until I tell them about the hardships we went through as a family. My writing practicum teacher said that a story doesn't become interesting to read until it gets personal on some level. So here goes:

My dad was the healthiest guy I knew while I was growing up. When my mom was in labor with me, my dad was just finishing off his basketball game in Taif, Saudi Arabia. Yes, he played for the professional team over there. He had perfect teeth and never had a cavity in his life! He was also the best tennis player to me! I remember him being so happy when my brother and I were able to play with him. It was bliss!

Summer of 2006, my dad was diagnosed with Nonarteritic Anterior Ischemic Optic Neuropathy (NAION). What in the world is that, right? In non-medical terms, it is a stroke of the nerve in my dad's right eye. The most common effect of it is vision loss. It can happen anytime even from just waking up one morning. My dad opened his eyes one day and saw a shadow obscuring majority of his right eye sight. It's mind-boggling because he did not feel any pain. He was just....half blind! Six months later, his left eye does the same exact thing. There still is no clinically effective treatment that exists. Only trials of injections into the eye that's being done all over the country. We went to several medical appointments and only came home with disappointments.

It hurt me to see him whenever I came home from work because he'd be by himself in the living room; depressed. He was never like that...EVER! I took on his "role" in the family and took care of the errands he usually does. When everyone said that graduating high school was the beginning of adulthood, this wasn't what I expected at all.

We weren't the praying-together type of family ever since I left a Catholic school in 5th grade, but our church community suggested it back into our lives. We prayed as a family every morning and every night for the next year and a half. It was a hard way to start college, especially when my grandmother died four months after my dad's diagnosis.

After a year and a half, our prayers have been answered. No, my dad didn't get his sight back. He only retained 80% of the vision he had lost. Still better than nothing, right? No, I don't expect pity or anything. I grew as a person through this experience so thanks...but no thanks. He can no longer play tennis like he used to but he's better now, and is the captain of his basketball team. But going back and remembering all that my family and I have gone through during this...well, still chokes me up sometimes. Especially when people make remarks or joke around with my dad's condition.

So this leads me back to my dad's basketball game last Sunday afternoon. For some reason, I sat on the opposite side where the score table and players positioned themselves. My dad's team has been the "top dog" of the league and it seems like that the other teams are heated by this. Jealousy, pride, huge ego, testosterone, and whatever you can think of floods what once use to be the reason for Filipinos to get together. The game turned into something personal. Favoritism of some sort! Ugh!

Anyway, as my dad subbed in for another player in his team. I heard everyone making fun of how "veteran" he was. Mocking him! I tried to let it go because they are guys and they do that all the time. But this Mike guy, from the black team, at the score table says, "He can't see the players because he has no contacts on!" Everything inside me blew up! I clenched my fist. Heat took over my body. And I stared him down like the devil. We made eye contact while he was laughing his a$$ off and all of a sudden...he was silent once he realized who I was. I wanted so bad to get up and cuss him off! >=[

My dad's team, green, lost the game within the last few seconds and there was a controversy of some sort. My dad blew it as the other team celebrated their win. It was ridiculous! They treated my dad like one of them! I got to the point where I had to step in between them and pull my dad away. It's natural....taking care of him when I can, and if someone does any harm to him, I'm sure I will take a punch to their nose.

It was hard to go back to school because that meant I had to leave him...in that pool of testosterone and pride. I stayed until things cooled off but I HAD to go. It's been bothering me ever since! He has another game this weekend and it's against the black team! AHHH!

I have all this hatred in my heart. I can't sit still whenever I think about it. I just want to be at ease and forgive these people for their ignorance, but I either don't WANT to or don't know HOW to.

*SIGH*

Well this entry is long enough...so I'll end it here.